dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
