Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
