she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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