Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
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