Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
