I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Damn victory sex feels great
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
