omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
