Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
