So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
