He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
