she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize