I just threw up on my dentist
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I think i got beer on your cat.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
