so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
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