Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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