So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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