dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
