And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
