I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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