If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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