The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
