I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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