Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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