can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
