yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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