There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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