I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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