Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
