She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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