weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize