If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
