Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
