I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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