So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
