Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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