i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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