Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Acid is not a monday night drug
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
