i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
