I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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