so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
