and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I am available for nakedness
Randomize