i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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