2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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