Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
