his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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