she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
