It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
