I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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