I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
