His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
