legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
