pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
