I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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