Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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