So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
