I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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