I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
