Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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