the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
