Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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