I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
