I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize