# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Randomize