LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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