Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
