You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
